• Interview: Josey Vogels of Better Sex in No Time

    On this holiday, some people are off on vacation, working around the house or camping in the woods - while others are using the long weekend to revitalize their sex lives. This is the era of twelve-hour work days and multiple family obligations, after all, and the first casualty of a busy schedule is often sex. So it's timely that Josey Vogels has created Better Sex in No Time, a guide for couples on keeping the flame burning no matter how fast-paced their lives have become.

    As someone who works 70-80 hours a week, I was pretty keen to hear Josey's insights on how even the busiest people can stay connected and passionate.

    What are the biggest obstacles in finding time for sex/romance?

    We all live such busy lives and things that require our immediate attention — work, kids, the occasional load of laundry ;) — that by the time we get some down time together in the same room, often we’re dead tired and it’s hard to switch on that “let’s get romantic and do it” button.

    How can people overcome the fatigue and anxiety that come with intense work schedules?

    I really stress in my book that it’s the little things every day that keep the spark alive. That way, when you do have some down time, intimacy doesn’t seem so far out of reach. Keep a smoldering sexual tension alive by making each other feel appreciated and loved in small ways every day. Be physical without worrying about it leading to sex, touch each other, kiss! It’s amazing how we let kissing turn into a perfunctory act to say goodbye in the morning when a passionate kiss or even a 10 second hug takes less time than it takes to brush our teeth. Make a point of kissing your partner passionately at least once a day.

    And don’t stress about being tired and not feeling like having a full, drawn-out sexual experience ful of meaning and intimacy. Quickies can be great anxiety and stress relievers. Don’t rule them out as “not real sex.”

    How can parents find ways to reconnect, especially when their kids are small?

    One word: Babysitter. Or is that two words? Anyway, book a babysitter and get a hotel room for the night. There’s a reason why vacation sex always seems more appealing. When you’re out of your element and don’t have all the usual distractions, it’s so much easier to focus on each other. Again, don’t feel like you’re under pressure to have sex. Even if you use the time to have a bubble bath together and then snuggle up together in a couple of cozy hotel bathrobes, it will do wonders to ramp up intimacy and make you feel more connected.

    What about when a couple has scheduling differences or simply different preferences for when they'd like to have sex?

    It’s unrealistic to think that we’re always going to be in the same head space at the same time. Couples will always have differing sexual preferences; our differences are what often attracts us to our partners. Why should we expect them to be exactly like us when it comes to sex? Just like in all areas in a relationship, it’s about give and take. So he likes morning sex, you prefer to do it at night. So this week, he gets it his way and next week you get it yours.

    As for schedules, obviously we have to be realistic about life and the reality that sometimes you feel like 2 ships in the night. But just as we know when we’re overworked and overstressed, we need to take a break when it comes to sex and intimacy, if you’re feeling disconnected and not getting enough face time, one of you needs to put your hand up and say hey, you, can we just stop this ride for a minute and schedule some time together? People think scheduling dates or time together isn’t romantic or spontaneous - but trust me, when you were all hot and heavy for each other at the beginning of the relationship, you may have felt your sex and dates were spontaneous but you were both planning, anticipating and doing everything possible to make time for each other.

    What's one quick way to reconnect or keep the flame burning?

    Again, a lot of little things on a daily basis. Send a sexy text. Kiss your partner passionately. Hug. Hold hands. Tell your partner you love them. At the end of the day, tell them 1 thing you really appreciated that they did that day. Compliment each other. Light candles over a take-out pizza dinner.

    What about single people who find they really don't have to time to go out much or date - how can they keep their passion alive?

    It’s important when you’re single to not feel like you’re suddenly not sexual. Take care of yourself. Pamper yourself. Get a massage so you feel physical touch. Masturbate and experiment with yourself. Flirt when you’re out, even if it’s with the barista at Starbucks. Take a belly dancing class.

    Better Sex in No Time is available now from Cleis Press and Amazon.


Twitter: @Vaxder


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